Stick to the Status Quo? Why It’s So Easy to Stay Stuck in Midlife

From my mid 30s to my mid 40s I felt stuck, and that is a very long time to feel stuck. At that time my husband travelled for work extensively, so I was busy juggling kids, home, work, my studies, there was no time to take a breath and ask myself “what's next”. During this period, what I knew for sure was what I didn't want. What we don't want from life is identified through our lived experiences, so I knew where I didn't want to live, what consulting roles I didn't want to take. I knew that I wanted to set up another business, and I knew the industries and business models I didn't want to operate. So I was stuck.. for a long time. Perhaps that is why I deep dived into the productivity, success, wealth self-development genres during this era.

I ‘had it all' on paper, but I had this feeling of unrest. I often use the phrase you don't know what you don't know, and acknowledging this fact at one point I had two coaches, one for my business and one for my personal development, and still my life did not fit the vision I had for myself, and still I remained stuck.

My eldest daughter was obsessed with High School Musical in the early 2000's, and if you have a daughter of a similar age, you're likely to know the songs too, we still refer to them today! One of the songs was titled ‘Stick to the Status Quo’, and I think about that title, for example, when looking back to that decade of feeling stuck.

It took a while, but I have learned that there are many reasons why your life can stop fitting who you are and leave you feeling stuck. You can know something needs to change before you know what that change should be. You don't need to lose your job, divorce or separate, move home, or have your children leave home before coming to this realisation. The shift is often internal, mental, psychological, because as humans we are designed to continuously develop in terms of who or what we are, or what we want to be, do or have. If we don't, we become stagnant. So, it's natural for you to question how you want to live the rest of your life, or what gives you satisfaction, the issues is finding the right answer.

In our 20s and 30s, if we have been raising our children, we just don't have the bandwidth, because we're finding, cleaning, repairing a family home, advancing in our careers, meeting our own, our family or societal expectations of success - all whilst proving that we can be superwoman… or at least trying. At this point our goals tend to be externally visible, with promotions, salary increases, possibly more training and qualifications, marriage, the family home, etc.

By the time you hit midlife it's a natural time to pause, you're still busy but the children are older, and at this point it's important to ask yourself what success means to you. By midlife you are likely to have experienced at least one event that has caused you to pause and reflect, it could be a milestone birthday, a health scare, bereavement or job loss - and this is when you become conscious that your time is in fact finite.

The In-between: Why your old life is so hard to let go off

William Bridges' work on transitional states provides a useful explanation for why you become stuck. You become stuck because you are in an in-between stage.

Imagine you are on one side of a valley that you desperately want to leave (the old you),

and you want to get onto the other side (your new beginning),

but to arrive at that destination you have to cross the bridge, but you get stuck on that bridge (the in-between).

So, before you step onto the bridge you are leaving the old part of you, and when you are on the bridge you are in-between, and once you are over the bridge, you have a new beginning.

I gave an example of how I was stuck for a long time. This is because I needed new information. What I realised was that thinking harder about your future doesn't really help.

We can genuinely want to make a change to our lives, but because of our beliefs and existing commitments, and it is often challenging to make that change. Familiarity also has enormous power. It puts us into a comfort zone. It makes us question whether we really want to let go of the status quo. You know what you're doing and where you are going on a daily basis, so does your partner and your children. Your office, your work friends, your customers, they're all so familiar. So why disrupt that? Especially when you don't know whether you'll be successful if you did make that change.

You might even think that taking action to become unstuck is a selfish act, and that's often the real reason why you hold back from doing the very thing you know you want - for example changing career or setting up a business, because suddenly you are no longer the expert.

Our brains have been developed to protect us. Fight or flight is your body’s automatic response to something it sees as a threat, it prepares you to either face it or get away from it. Any change in how or what we do creates an alert, a fight or flight response - or in this instance, do nothing.  This is because it's easier to stay with the familiar, our comfort zone - that the familiar space where things feel predictable and manageable, even if they are not necessarily making you happy or helping you grow. No one likes discomfort, especially when it's being imposed on our loved ones. In fact, this level of comfort or familiarity with how things are now convinces you that change is dangerous, so you stay on the bridge, in that in-between stage, and every so often you peek at the new beginning on the other side. But time is finite, there will be a time when you no longer have the opportunity for a new beginning.

I have a lot, perhaps too many projects on at the moment, because I know that time is short. Studying psychology has given me a hunger for evidence, prior to my knowledge I spent a very long time on that bridge because I could not find the right information. But now I have, and I have jumped over to my new beginning and the one thing I want to avoid during this season of my life is regret.

So let's come back to the title.

Why do you feel stuck in midlife, and what small step could you take towards your new beginning? New possibilities often feel uncomfortable simply because you haven’t lived them yet. The question is: are you ready to move forward, or will you stick with the status quo?

Join me on the other side.

For more information on getting unstuck, watch my YT video "The Real Reason You Feel Stuck in Midlife'.

Speak soon.

Sharon x